Category: the Rant Board
Well first off, I have a cousin who is my mom's brother's daughter and her mom who I have never met in my life. When my About five or so years ago, my cousin called us after many years of her mom and my uncle being divorced and she called looking for her father who was missing somewhere and was a drinker. My grandfather was very nice to her on the phone but my grandmother wasn't. The first question she asked was, "what do you want, money?" My cousin wasn't very happy. That evening my mother got ahold of her and told her where her father was and told her how to go about locating him. A week later she called back and I finally got to talk to her. I found out that we have the same birthday but are 11 years apart. At that time they lived in New Jersey and were there since she was born. I continued to talk to her. Shortly after the connection was made my mom started taking sides with my grandmother started not liking her and her mom. No one in my family liked her for that matter. We went up to JNew Jersey that year to visit the rest of the family on my mom's side which included her sister and my other cousins. When they heard that I was talking to my mom's brother's daughter and her mom, they called them up asking if they could hang with her. My cousin refused and felt very overwhelmed. She didn't know these people. A few years went by and we kinda got out of touch. A few years ago I sent an email to that cousin and she responded to me. I really hadn't talked to her that much since then. The other day she called me and told me that we needed to talk. I called her and she told me that she didn't want anyone else to know that her and her mom relocated to a town near me in Florida. We continued talking and she wanted to know what my family said about her and why all of a sudden my mom didn't like her and her mom after she was so nice to them when she helped her find her father. I told her what was said and she got upset. We still agreed that one day we would meet. She wanted my mom to know that I was going to meet her. I didn't think that was good idea to have her know that because if she found out that I was talking to this part of the family, I'd probably get in trouble because of all the bad feelings. We hung up the phone that evening and my aunt texted me and said, "we don't need to be bashed by your family and I think the relationship between my daughter, you, and I needs to end." I couldn't believe it. I felt so devistated. I texted my cousin yesterday and told her that it didn't matter whether my family liked them or not. I was the one who wanted to meet them and have a relationship. Her final words were, "you have your family and I have mine. I have cousins that I grew up and I call them my brothers and sisters. We don't want anything to do with you guys so goodbye and don't call or text anymore." I had told her before those words that I was an adult and that I didn't know what was going on and it was my decition to see them. I wasn't born when all this went on between my family. They don't know why my family was mad at them. My cousin told me that my mom's mom was abusive to her when tshe was little. When I first started talking to them, I got grownded for talking to them. Anyone know how I can ease the spirit and make my cousin and aunt realize that I want to have a relationship with them and that my family doesn't have to get involved?
Please excuse the following, as it is not my aim to come off paternalistic, but hear me out on this one:
The problem isn't you, it is possibly in part others' perception of you. You're what, 20 years old or so? When my father was around that age, he enlisted in the Air Force and went over to Germany for 2 years. This was back in the 60s. And when I was near that age, he told me thosee two years in Germany were just what the family needed to see him as an adult. And bear in mind, he had already gotten married before that time.
My wife was quite a bit older than 20 when we left the state because of my job, and she will say it was leaving for that time that she was away from her family long enough for her to develop for herself some things and come back more confident.
And now, though my parents' generation may have had one set of relationships with the extended family, ours has developed our own: the wife gets along quite well with certain ones, and me some others.
What has to happen is you have to be away from it all for long enough that you are seen as something other than your mother's daughter, your aunt's niece, your cousin's cousin, stuff like that. Nobody's picking on you, it's not really personal, it's more accidental. You ever been around a little kid, or a cat, or a dog, that you don't notice how they're growing up. But then one of your friends comes and sees them a few months later, and notices what you didn't, because you are there every hour of every day, while they were gone for months?
Think of it that way. Family relationships are never like the movies, and never truly display the veneer that is put on at the schools, the churches, the local community activities. That veneer isn't a reflection, it's just a way to keep everyone civil in public. Not to say all is bad: just people - family members included - are human first. There are people your parents didn't like or get along with that much whose kids you might get along with. And vice versa. That's part of growing up.
But the other part of growing up is knowing the parents' side of the equation is still going to have all their own same feelings, based on their own experiences. Plus, some people may have acted like real turds to our parents, and after years have gone by, their kids aren't really like that and so we might actually get along.
You kind of have to roll with the punches - it complicates once you have a spouse who may actually really like some people in your extended family that you would otherwise not really do anything with except the requisite family reunions. And the opposite is also true. Part of the deal is a bit of dog-sniffing: You saw things growing up, maybe you saw how someone treated your parents when you were a kid and drew a few conclusions. But their kids - around your age range - grow up just like you, make their own life decisions just like you, and you kind of figure each other out a bit. Me, more at a distance, some people really jump right in there and expect all sorts of things to just work out, but you do it the best you can however you do it. It is possible to have whatever relationship you want with an extended family member, without dismissing what their parents did to your parents, or any of that.
Right now, it's probably somewhat confusing, it sounds like. But you just gotaa get out there and do your own thing, become fully engaged in what you decide to get into, and then see how it all works out with the family. And if someone doesn't want you to call or text them anymore because you're your mother's daughter - well, maybe as hard as all of that sounds, you really don't want to be with them either. They're not ready yet to see you as you: they're still holding whatever problems they had with your mother over you. That would prevent you from being able to be successful with any sort of relationship with them.
Just my thoughts, worth what you paid for them.
Hello nicky, I'm really sorry to hear about that. I can't give you any advice I'm afraid. Perhaps in time, things will sort itself out.
The only advice I can really offer is give it more time. If you're meant to have a relationship with your cousin and aunt, then things will eventually work out. It just may take longer than you had hoped.
It's quite sad when people get pulled into the family drama, but unfortunately, it happens all the time. It seems like the kids are more mature than the adults involved half the time, and so many people just will not allow themselves to see it for what it really is. I hope that by distancing yourself from them, the missing pieces will eventually become evident to them. Until then, unfortunately there isn't really anything else you can do. I'm no psychologist, but in my experience at least, nobody will ever change unless they want to.
why would you wanna even think about giving people a chance who clearly don't wanna give you the time of day?
I'm sure that sounds harsh to your ears, but it's the truth. cause, to me, the message they're sending is clear.
I'm not trying to imply it'll be easy, by any means, but really, there's more to life than dwelling on what you don't have, wanting things to be different, and allowing yourself to be sad for an extended period of time based on a situation/feelings of others that you can't control.
@Post5, I understand feeling as you do that the kids can come off as more mature than the parents' generation. But what it really is, is the parents' generation were involved in whatever it was that went wrong. So of course, the kids, like a insensitive husband may say to a wife, will say "Oh, grow up! There's nothing wrong!" Why we tolerate it in insensitive kids and not insensitive fool boors is a bit of a mystery to me, but I digress.
There are things my parents' generation dealt with that we did not, and the same is true of our kids. It's not really that the kids are more mature: they simply weren't there. Maybe the reasoning for why we give them that leeway and not the adult men who may do this, is because, well, they're still kids and not actually mature yet. So of course they're gonna say grow up or be mature. That's the first-world American white way of saying, "Do or think or feel the way I want you to."
Yes, but I'd love to know how forcing your kids not to communicate with any person because of your own personal feelings is mature? it's one thing if they've had a history of harming others, but if you've just gotten into a catfight with them, how is that your kids' fault?
Oh I'm not gonna say the family member of the original poster was right. In fact, I dunno if I would call it immature. I understand: kids talk about who is mature and who isn't. However, it certainly seems pretty unreasonably to me. And I tend to side with Happy Heart on this one: perhaps best to cut one's losses and wait awhile.
Som people, and yes, kids too - so skip the innocent look - drag everybody into their situation, or won't allow others to be happy if they themselves can't.
It's a tough bet, and it's never easy, and I probably had to be in my thirties to fully realize that there were more sides to the equations than just what affected us kids, or even what affected my own parents in some areas.